Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
You Might Also Like
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.