Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
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recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
tis the season
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!