Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
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I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person