Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.