Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.