Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?