Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.