Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

こいつ天才

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?

“Queuecumbers”.

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Big Sex has us all fooled

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.