Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF