Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.