Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
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White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}