Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
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[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions