Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
when dads have a rap battle
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
everyone’s a critic
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”