Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

*world is ending*

Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.