Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
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Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
