Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
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Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Cardio Made Easy
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?