Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
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I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
wow
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Mornin. * use accordingly
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater