Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
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Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Ladies, why y’all do this?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
do u think theres a butter planet?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.