Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

Oh we’ve met.

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”