Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
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“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think