Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
You Might Also Like
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.