Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
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Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I love it all
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers