Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it
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Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating