Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
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*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.