Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs