Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
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I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
congratulations to them
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
