Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.