Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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i want it utterly assaulted.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*