Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
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‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times