Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

found a horse’s reddit account

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

Got a light

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

“Why you watching this shit?”

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

okay run it by me one more time

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you