Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
