Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
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A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Warm pools make me nervous.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.