Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays