Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
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[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My Guy
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend