Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
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I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.