Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
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I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.