Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want