Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
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Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.