Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.