Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
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Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
wtf is a larm clock?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol