Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
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Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately