Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
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The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.