Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

Jurassic park gets weird

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage