Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

This dude got his own movie?

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.