Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.