Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.