Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
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“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.