Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

me to God

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?