Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

A woman drives into a bar.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.