ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
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Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.