Sometimes I shock myself with smart things I say.

Other times, I struggle to get out of my car with the seatbelt on.

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I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.


My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars


[math class]

teacher: ok, so how would you order a subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

me: by crawling to the counter lmao

teacher: again, please get out of my class, or your son gets an F


[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]


professor X: what’s your power?


professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.


*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost


I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.


me: my engine is making a loud clicking noise and-

mechanic: there’s blood dripping from your trunk



me: so anyway my engine, which is at the *front*–


Today on Facebook:

1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes