@wineoclock39

Sometimes I shock myself with smart things I say.

Other times, I struggle to get out of my car with the seatbelt on.

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@ajax06

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

@RowdyBerger

My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars

@daemonic3

[math class]

teacher: ok, so how would you order a subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

me: by crawling to the counter lmao

teacher: again, please get out of my class, or your son gets an F

@VeganZebra

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

@downwinddog

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

@jonnysun

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

@ManvAlcohol

I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.

@Browtweaten

me: my engine is making a loud clicking noise and-

mechanic: there’s blood dripping from your trunk

me:

mechanic:

me: so anyway my engine, which is at the *front*–

@ohpeetie

Today on Facebook:

1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes