Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.