Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets