Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait