Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Rooting for the overdog
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]