Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls

ME: A ghost

THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

awesome draft from months ago i just found

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.