@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

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@Blarebare

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

@usermcuserface

Guy behind me in line at the gas station was standing close enough to reenact the pottery scene from ghost.

@ChaseMit

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

@Scdavis24

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

@BritXNic

Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.

@KinerdMccain

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

@Free_the_DJ

When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.

@P_o_n_k

MURDERER: *kicks down my door*

ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.