My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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Guy behind me in line at the gas station was standing close enough to reenact the pottery scene from ghost.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
MURDERER: *kicks down my door*
ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.