sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
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reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
thank god
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
