Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles