Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
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It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy