Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Gross if literal…Liverpool
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”