Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric