Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]