I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
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I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man