Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
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at ease…shoulder.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!