Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”