Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
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[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that