Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Love it! 👍😂

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.