Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
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“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
welp
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Spoiler Alert: I was late
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”