Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.