Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
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fourth time’s the charm
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
A short story of betrayal:
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
B