Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
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In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker