Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

every olympics i turn into this guy

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

Weirdos gonna weird.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.