Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot hot hot 🥵

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

be safe out there!

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??