Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version

-Give me the ring.

-No.

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”